My parents were not active church goers. My father came from a Baptist tradition but was not religious (his sister became atheist). My mother was a lapsed Catholic. When I was twelve, my mother made an effort to rejoin the Catholic Church and had her three children baptized. Eventually we were enrolled in Catholic school and attended Mass every Friday morning.

I had a very hard time with the idea of confession, but was told that I had to confess in order to be free of sin, before I could receive Holy Communion. At the time, I was very insecure, full of self-loathing and in a lot of pain. I desperately wanted to receive Communion, to feel Jesus' presence with me and caring for me. So, one Friday morning in Mass I prayed to God to please let me know what to do. I told him that I was sorry for my sins and that he knew this. I was sure he didn't need a priest to tell him what he already knew. I truly believed that he could tell me himself if I was forgiven, and I told him that I would listen really hard. And I did.

My answer took less than thirty seconds to arrive. It may have arrived gradually; I do remember slipping into a feeling of calm almost immediately. It was the first time I had ever "given it to God." I just remember feeling an indescribable joy. It was so overwhelming I felt like I was bursting. I was crying but I wanted to collapse into laughter. How I managed to hold it together and not completely disrupt Mass is beyond me. Only one person in my class noticed what was going on and he kept a close watch on me throughout Mass. I explained afterwards to him what had happened (I was still crying and grinning like a madman).

I received Communion that day and went on to form my own relationship with a being so immense it cannot be understood. A personal relationship with our Creator can only be obtained when we stop listening to the dogma of others and simply ask the question and listen very hard for the answer. I have asked several times in my life and received answers, but never so dramatically as that day.

Jeannette Bodden
Cedar Rapids, IA
jeannie36832@nerdshack.com

Posted January 31, 2007